I thought I’d leave the comfort of my home tonight. I thought I wouldn’t see the bottom of this bottle tonight. I thought my heart wouldn’t race, I thought my chest wouldn’t tighten as I tried to walk out the door tonight. All the thinking in the world couldn’t stop my throat from closing, the tears from stinging my eyes, or my palms from sweating as I tried to dial the phone. Another night spent in silence that could have been filled with laughter. Another night spent wondering why I sometimes can’t control my breathing. Another night spent hiding from the world.
"…all she had to say about you is you’re beautiful."
Cue my laughter.
“I’m not kidding”
I don’t get it.
I’ve never been the ‘pretty one’. It’s always been…oh her, she’s cool. I don’t know to react to compliments. They are awkward.
There were old familiar streets, dusty and dirty in the light of day. When night fell they became illuminated by porch lights and street lights we used to use to tell the time. There is no denying the feeling of home, knowing every crack in the sidewalk from my house to yours. These streets make me feel like all time has stopped just for me, and for a moment everything is right. You can laugh with your whole heart here and smile until your lips reach the sky. Every hand is for holding and every body is for hugging. There is something about home, about the past, that is forever comforting. I may get chided for refusing to move on, for romanticizing something that has long since gone but sometimes a feeling is worth holding on to. But the past is like a drug and every time reality comes crashing back the withdrawals seem almost too much to bare. So scenes replay in your mind, like old black and white movies, and you try to hold onto that moment where a hug lasted just a second longer than it should and your heart sank as the present came rushing back as soon as the embrace was broken. You walked the familiar streets back to reality, looking back only once as the past drove off leaving nothing but a trail of dust to remind you of what you left behind.
I’d like to take back the things I may have said to you.
Sometimes I’m just not myself.
I’m sorry for the way I interject myself into your life because I feel like I need it…not stopping to think if you do.
Could this just be over now?
It’s ok. I’m ok. I can smile through it all.
I sit, drinking an endless cup of wine, thinking lonely thoughts. Even though I do truly love the silence of being alone, that doesn’t mean that I want to be alone. I am a grown ass woman thinking about playground nights and walks around Dorrs Pond. A grown ass woman thinking about nights when I was seventeen. I want to be seventeen. Carefree. Laughing. Crying. Loving everything and everyone with all my heart. I have been ranting a lot. The Fall is coming. With it, darkened evenings and wind swept days. I am not ready to live a grown up life. I miss late nights filled with music and laughter. Nights that radiated love from every angle. I have the best, most beautiful life now…yet I long for something I have left in my past. A feeling. A sound. My hands on a speaker. The sounds vibrating through my veins. Late nights in parking lots and fast food booths. Curfews broken while memories where being born. I want to sit in the booth of a twenty four hour dinner, liquor on my breathe and laughter in my throat. I have forever been a dreamer, living in an endless waking dream - responsibility just out of reach. I will drink my box of wine and dream my life away. I will love myself for it, I will hate myself for it. A heartbreak junkie, where I supply my own heartbreak. Please sing me a lullaby because all I want is to fall asleep in love.
Sometimes things happen in life and at the time you may be pissed, upset, hurt, confused…whatever. But you wake up the next morning to realize that you are finally free. So thank you for being an asshole that one last time. Because it will be the last. Something clicked inside of me and I am finally done giving a rats ass about you because I realize now you don’t give a rats ass about me. I’m not sure why you kept me around so long, or why I stayed around so long…just waiting for you to accept me back into you life. The thing is is I am done. And I just feel so free. A weight has been lifted, one I didn’t even know was there. And while I may still feel a little sad (ugh - I cannot lie to myself - you were a part of my life for so many years) I am so very happy to be free of you. So thank you again for being such a self centered ass.